What to Do When the Ugly Comes Out

A ruler is 12 inches.

But sometimes, I prefer one that is about 13 inches. Sometimes one that is 11 1/2. Those lengths make me feel better. I can't help it. It's just the way I am. And I always have a reason for why I use that size. Besides other people don't always use a 12 inch ruler either. I don't know why there has to be one ruler anyways—we are all different. 

For the record...I haven't lost my mind. And maybe this is weird thinking...but as I thought about this blog, I thought of this metaphor as one that closely resembles my thinking when my “ugly” starts coming out...when I have attitudes, words, or actions that fall short of God's perfection. When my conscience starts working on me...or when God's Spirit inside me nudges me towards one way and I choose the other. 

When I respond to life in a way that hurts, offends, or leads me on a path of bitterness, my tendency is to respond with...

Excuses.

Rationalizing.

Justifying.

Defending.

Finding a way to say I am right when I have done the wrong thing. 

 

Here are just some examples of my thoughts... 

• It's okay that I gave that person an ugly stare down when I accelerate past him on the road because he was wrong to drive so slow...
• I can't help that I snapped at my kids. They need to know that I need my space too. 
• My husband should understand that when I am frustrated, sometimes I am rude. Why can't he just give me a free pass? 
• I know I am not supposed to speak badly of someone behind their back, but sometimes I just need to vent. 
• I only treated you that way because of how you treated me.

So, are you like me? 

Do you defend yourself like this when the ugly comes out? It is okay that I was ugly because...13 inches is okay because...

We want to be able to do what's wrong and call it right. I call this sneaky sin. 

Sneaky because it is just so common.

Sneaky because these excuses are so automatic...so much that I often don't even acknowledge that I am making excuses. 

Sneaky because they are arguments I use to sneak my way out of being wrong.

 

But, I wonder. 

 

Before whom am I building my defense when I try to make excuses for doing the wrong thing? 

 

Usually to myself.

Sometimes the other person. 

 

Truth be told, I am doing all I can to avoid thinking about God. In fact, usually I want to push God out of my whole thought process because the moment "God thoughts" enter I know knOW KNOW that I am wrong. And wrong feels so wrong.  I don't want to be wrong. Before God, there is no excuse for any of my ugly.  So, instead I try to clear my guilt without his involvement. 

 

Then there is nothing to confess. No reason to seek forgiveness. 

 

So, I busy myself with excuses, rationalizations, justifying, defending, and finding a way to say I am right even when I have done the wrong thing.

 

Suddenly the Shakespeare quote enters my mind..."The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

 

So much time wasted building a losing case.

A fork in the road where I could have chosen humility but instead chose pride.

A lost chance to confess.

A missed opportunity to encounter God.

A road toward purification skipped.

 

It's so sneaky.

 

What if INSTEAD I remembered the cross. Admitted my wrong.  Took the shame of my wrong and nailed it there. Remembered Jesus has already taken that shame. Remembered there is no pride before Him. And that this is freeing.  Remembered in humility there is life. Remembered that on the other side of confession, there is a new morning dawning. A new morning of relief instead of exhaustion/relationship killing/defensiveness.

 

Purity comes when I look to the ONLY perfect one.  Not when I look to myself.

 

Well, isn't that appropriate on this Easter week.

 

One thing I have experienced the longer I walk with God, is that salvation is ongoing. Now don't misinterpret me...Forgiveness is complete and was sealed when I received Christ. But God is still saving me from myself. From my sin. He wants to free me from my flesh. And free me to love. Free me to have restored relationships.

 

If I could just quit forgetting that.

If I could keep my heart soft before Him instead of hardening it through my defensive rationalizing.

 

My reflection is this: instead of busying myself with building a case, I wish I would choose to un-busy myself and quiet those excuse making voices in my head and instead...

 

Be still and know that God is God. And Let HIM speak.

 

I have a strong notion that I would gain more in humility than in keeping my pride intact.

 

A deeper relationship with God. 

A restored relationship with a loved one.

A realization that the world doesn't end if I admit I was wrong. No matter what the other person does or doesn't acknowledge.

A realization that the world might actually be lighter as I am not carrying the burden of my guilt on my own shoulders.

That I would no longer be a slave to my sin.

And have more freedom.

And more peace.

This Good Friday and Easter Sunday, if you are like me, some sneaky sin needs to be confessed. When the ugly comes out instead of justifying it, I want to remember the one who justified me. And live in the mercy and grace of the cross instead of busying myself with defensiveness. May we lay the burden of defensiveness and justifying at HIS feet. And ask for forgiveness. Maybe even beg.

I've just seen Jesus, I tell you He's alive

I've just seen Jesus, our precious Lord alive

And I knew He really saw me too

As if till now I'd never lived

All that I'd done before won't matter anymore

I've just seen Jesus, I've just seen Jesus

I've just seen Jesus

"I've Just Seen Jesus"

¹⁹ I’m using this freedom language because it’s easy to picture. You can readily recall, can’t you, how at one time the more you did just what you felt like doing—not caring about others, not caring about God—the worse your life became and the less freedom you had? And how much different is it now as you live in God’s freedom, your lives healed and expansive in holiness?
^20-21 As long as you did what you felt like doing, ignoring God, you didn’t have to bother with right thinking or right living, or right anything for that matter. But do you call that a free life? What did you get out of it? Nothing you’re proud of now. Where did it get you? A dead end.
^22-23 But now that you’ve found you don’t have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God’s gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.

Romans 6:19-23 from The Message

Why Impulsiveness is the Next Big Thing

I wonder a lot.  Mostly, that is what these blogs are about...my wonderings.  One of the things I wondered about lately had to do with impulsivity and creativity. 

By impulsive, I mean to act rashly, hastily, or quickly. 

On the creativity bit, before some of you decide this blog isn't for you, I mean creativity in a much broader sense than being the artsy/crafty/Hobby Lobby kind of person. 

Instead, by creativity, I mean living life in a fresh, just your size, unique, surprising, true to you, creating kind of way. 

I feel like a new word is in store...impusleate? creatimpluse?  Ok, maybe that is taking the wonderings too far.  But hang on, I am about to tell you how weird is good, so maybe it works.

But, the birth of this idea came because lately I have been attentive to how frequently I have ideas.  Yet, many of these ideas are left undone.  Sometimes it may be for good reason.  But, I am starting to be convicted that more often than not there is no good reason. 

For instance, here is a train of thought I have had:   After teaching preschoolers at my church, I have thought (more than once)...wouldn't it be fun if one week we got the ice cream truck to come by?  Like it was a surprise?  And then all of us teachers could just pay for the kids ice cream...

And then my next thoughts become...

• I don't know the phone number
• Is Wednesday night the best time to do it?
• Would all the teachers want to do this?
• I have never heard of anyone else ever doing this.
• What if a kid misses out?
• Will some people at the church not like that we did it?
• etc., etc.

And the creativity is left undone.

Now, I am not saying that this idea would change the world...but I do think it has lots of possibility to shine the light of Christ through a fun and memorable shared experience with my wild and sweet young friends.  And therefore maybe change the world. 

But so far I haven't been impulsive with this idea.  .And really at this point impulsive is out the window because this idea has been lurking in my head for....too long.

I wonder for all of us though...Could it be that when God talked about us being a light to the world that part of this light is through our creative impulses?  We all like fun and new.  We like to be surprised by a fresh approach. 

But, if you are like me, I have many ideas that I dismiss as random. 

• Going to lunch with a person I just met (will they think I am needy?). 
• Sending a note in the mail to someone I haven't been in touch with for years (will they think I'm weird that I still think about them?). 
• Having a party at my house (My house isn't clean/ people are busy). 
• Writing this blog (No one will relate)....
• Giving someone a phone call that crosses my mind (I will get stuck on the phone...don't have time).
• Paying for someone in a surprise way (what if I need that money?)
• Striking up conversation with a stranger (again, will they think I'm weird?)
• And seriously, lots of other stuff, some of it so unique to my life context that it is too random to use as an example

Do you relate?

There may be a good reason to dismiss some ideas.
But too often I think there isn't. 

When God wrote, "Let us make man in our image (Genesis 1:26)," He meant that we are made with characteristics that are God-like.  Not that we are gods, but that we are like God.  If you read through that first bit of Genesis, primarily what we see God doing is creating.  And He did a spectacular job.  Sure, he did some artistic things like sunsets and mountain top views.  But his creating wasn't limited to that:  God also created time, order, science, speech, and biology.  He made everything from water to the seahorse that needs it...and He knew it was all good (gotta love the seahorse). 

...and then He made us.  Called you and me VERY GOOD.  AND He said we were made in His image. 

He created us.
To be like him. 
To create. 

He also made us to be in relationship with Him...where we can be led by His impulses.

So, this question is especially for those of us who live in relationship with Christ: 

If the God who created ALL made us to create like Him

and moreover, He lives in us by His creative Spirit,

then why aren't we more creative in how we live? 

I am thinking we aren't impulsive enough. 

There are three things that immediately come to my mind as common ways we talk ourselves out of our creative impulses...

To start, often we think, "Well, if I do ____ for John then I will need to do the same for Kate, Jackson, and Kyle too."  I don't have the time or energy or money to do for all them...so I guess I can't do that for any of them.

Andy Stanley has a great quote that speaks well to this:  "Do for one what you wish you could do for all."  This finds biblical support in that Jesus didn't heal every sick person when he walked this earth; he didn't have a personal conversation with all people. Like us, Jesus was limited by time and energy.  But he did exactly what His Father led him to do...he followed the impulses that God gave him.  What if we did the same?  Moreover, what is the alternative?  If not being able to do for all leaves us doing for no one...isn't that worse?

Insight #1: One is a big number. 

A second reason we talk ourselves out of good is because we worry that if we give our time, energy, or finances to another that we won't have enough for ourselves.  This is a valid concern, especially if we are parents with children to love.  Our family ought to be our priority.  Yet, I wonder if at times this is an excuse that points to a lack of trust in God and comes from a place of self-interest--not love. 

Jesus told a lot of made up stories to teach us things.  One in particular is called the parable of the talents (Matthew 25).  If you don't know it, check it out.  But the nutshell is this...there is one man in the story who took what his master gave him and buried it for safe keeping.  So, he saw no growth and though he didn't lose it, he was nevertheless punished by his master.  The story closes by saying, "For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away (Matthew 25:29).

There are two other men who risked and used what their master gave them and they gained more.  It took a step of faith, but it grew. 

So, what is the principle Jesus is two thumbing?  He is saying that when we use what He has given us, He will allow it to grow.  But, those who hold on too tightly out of fear or self-interest will have it taken away. 

We can be safe keeping much like this man.  We bury our availability, our resources, and our unique skill set when we say things like, "I am too tired, I want to have some "me-time," or I need that money for Sally's dance class."  I wonder if sometimes this points to a lack of trust in God.  Could it be that God might make up the difference?  If the impulses are God-given, wouldn't it also seem likely that the time/energy/resources will be provided?  That maybe we won't miss the time?  Or maybe we will be refreshed through other resources than laying on the couch or getting a pedicure?

Just wondering. 

Insight #2: The God who gives us impulses gives us what we need.

A third and final reason for following our impulses is a fear that others might think we're weird.  Maybe weird is a strong word.  Maybe we just think that others won't like the idea or be supportive.  Frankly, I think we need more weird.  Not weird for the sake of weird, but the kind of weird that makes people see that a relationship with God is not stale or "supposed to look a certain way."  We need lots of real life examples of the vibrancy that comes when we truly keep in step with God's spirit and listen to His impulses. 

Somehow I don't think God gives us all impulses that fit in line with a church program or schedule.  I think His impulses are creative.  He made you uniquely.  He wants to fill you uniquely.  Sure you may be sign up to take part in a traditional role (i.e. like a Sunday School teacher or leading a Bible study) but it doesn't have to look a certain way.  As an old friend said to me a long time ago, "Be you, with Jesus in you."  That might be weird.  But more than likely, I think it will be really refreshing. 

Insight #3:  Weird can be fabulous too.

God thought the best thing He created was you and me.  If you are His follower, His creativity isn't over.  Could it be that the "random ideas" you have are His creative impulses?  Are you allowing His Spirit to give you impulses?  Are you willing to follow them? 

We won't know unless we try.

Also, we can't do it all, but maybe we can start with one thing. 

Now go be impulsive!!!!

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness (Galatians 5:16, from The Message).

 

 

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Introducing...the FRIDAY QUESTION!

I like to think in questions...somehow they feel more encouraging and more empowering than a statement.  Jesus liked questions too so that makes me feel right about liking them. 

So, today I decided that I would start having "Friday questions."  Good thing it's Friday.

Here goes.

How can I store up treasures in heaven today? 

(With my family?  With friends?  In my home?  In my play?  In my work?)

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; ²¹ for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Matthew 6: 19-21

Do I Believe What I Know?

GODISNOWHERE. 

How did you read that?  God is no where?  God is now here?

I can't take credit for that.  I actually first saw that in a seminary class a long time ago.  But, it grabs my attention.  It challenges me.  Though how we first read that is not necessarily any indication of our heart, it does point to the two choices we have.  Either God is now here or God is no where. 

But, often it seems like we think there is a third option, an in-between option...that maybe that there is a God but He isn't like, right here all the time...you know, a kind of "From a Distance" (Bette Midler) idea about God.  That God is real...from a distance.

Along these lines, a couple Sundays ago I scribbled these two questions down on my bulletin...

Do you believe the living God designed and created this world?  And is still involved in our world?

or

Do you believe God is someone we have created to make sense of life, to help us find comfort, direction, and peace?

If I believe the first, then God exists. Period.  Always and at all times, and is near.

If I believe the second, then God exists only when I need Him. 

Of course, I want to be all in on the first camp, but if I am truly honest, there are many times where I treat God like the second.  He exists only when I need Him....which is impossible.  If someone only exists when I need them, then he is no more than an imaginary friend.  Not God. 

We need to examine our belief.

In case you've missed it, believe is a key word in all this.  Often it seems we equate belief and knowledge.  Yet, the two aren't the same.  Think back to many of Jesus' listeners in his day.  One of Jesus' followers, John, writes about them that, " Even after Jesus had performed so many signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him (John 12:37).  They knew what Jesus had done and saw his miracles with their very own eyes, but did not believe. 

Likewise, we may know that God created the world, we may say He entered the world as a man, Jesus.  We may have the right answer to say Jesus gave me salvation on the cross.  We may claim that His Spirit lives in me.

And then we go about our business...solo.  We may wish for it to be different, but we are nevertheless living life on our own. 

What does this say about what we believe?  Do we believe God is NOW HERE? 

If we do, solo is not the way we are to live life. 

Knowledge is important.  Our belief in God is shaped by what we know.  It's why we have Bible Studies, sermons, and speak God's truth to each other.  But we need to be sure that we lay bear our hearts before God, and dare I say before others, and pray for belief transformation. 

Romans 12:1-2 states, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This verse has some things that are our responsibility and some that are God's.  Our first job is to offer ourselves to God--this is worship.  This is not a one-time event, but an ongoing lifestyle of surrender.  Our second responsibility falls right in with our worship, we are to resist living like the world around us, i.e. living life on our own.  As far as God's responsibilities, He makes awesome promises to transform us, renew us, and provide good, pleasing, and perfect direction for our lives. 

We can't do God's part, so let's talk about our part--our ongoing lifestyle of surrender.  An important part of it is prayer which is a lot more normal than we often think.  It's not about acting pious, it is a place where we are welcomed with all of our flaws; we can have unfiltered honesty.  People who prayed all wordy bugged Jesus anyway.  I love the cry of the demon possessed boy's father in Mark 9 as he approached Jesus to heal his son.  Jesus said to the father: "Everything is possible for him who believes," and the father said: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I think that is where most of us fall most of the time.  Believing and unbelieving.  Knowing and forgetting.  God is now here and then we go and live life on our own.  A key starting place in all that back and forth is to be honest prayers, to live open lives before God--with all of our complexities--and give God room to transform our fickle attitudes toward Him. 

"Do you believe what you know?  Do you believe that God is now here with you? 

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick (Matthew 9:12, Mark 2:17, and Luke 5:31)."  We are all sick.  We are all desperate for God's healing touch to reshape and sharpen our focus on Him.  Let's lay ourselves bare before the God who transforms us, inviting Him to help us overcome our unbelief. 

We get dull

The truth "As iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17) is one I have meditated on a lot lately.  Now don't get lofty ideas of what I mean by meditation; what I mean is I thought and prayed about this truth while in the grocery store and sitting at stoplights. I found myself rolling this verse over in my head and heart as I changed diapers.  I felt really thankful for old friends, new friends, close friends and acquaintances who have been "iron" in my life.  I don't know about you but if I really pay attention, I notice themes in my life.  This was one for me.   

This truth had previously become just a trite saying to me, a truth I learned early on as a believer in Jesus.  Whenever I heard or thought about this verse, I had a simplistic attitude towards it:  "Oh yeah, we need fellowship." Then I could quickly speak to the idea that just like knives get dull and need re-sharpening, so do followers of Christ. 

But I had never clung to it.  Never had the thought "Oh man, this is TRUE."

I don't know what it is though--feeling more forgetful because of having two babies or feeling more humbled because I thought I'd be "further along" by now, but this past fall I have embraced this verse with a new fervor. 

I realized I have this idea about life that I am going to get constantly better and know more--maybe it is being perfectionistic or maybe it is just human nature to have that idea.  Either way, I tend to feel like I "should" be getting better and often I believe that I am the only one who isn't.  Life is about constant improvement--steps forward, not steps back.  Especially as a Christ-follower, I think that if I am truly following Christ then as I get older my patience, kindness, forgiveness, and contentment will only grow.

I have moments where I feel like this is true.  I am becoming better.  I think it is good to celebrate that.  I sure hope so!  I want to feel like God is making a difference in me and I do feel like He has.  

But I have a lot of other moments like when I sharply snap at my daughter (Think: bad tone for no good reason with the immediate thought of "Did anyone hear that?") or times where I only focus on the negative instead of the positive with my husband or times when I see someone's else's life and instead of being happy for them, I am jealous and start comparing my life to theirs, trying to "win."  These attitudes and thoughts are nearer than I wish. If I catch myself, I think, "UGH who are you?"  Just yesterday I was so patient and loving and now I am fill in the blank.  

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."  Proverbs 27:17
Then I go somewhere where people gather around God's word and talk.  It might be at a coffee shop with a friend.  It might be at a Bible Study.  It might be at Sunday School.  The Bible might be physically open or it might just be that God's truth is woven throughout our conversation.  It might be structured or it might not. 

In these moments I find my heart come alive, I sigh and I think, "Man, did I need this."  I lose my way so quickly, but this pointed my eyes back to being fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1).  Deuteronomy 6:12 says, "Watch yourself, that you do not forget the Lord"...More than anything, times like that remind me that I need Jesus.  I see that I need to "watch myself!"  We need him more often and more deeply than we know.  My "dull-ness" doesn't need to be sharp so I can be a "better me"  but so I can be more attentive to His Spirit in me.  Gathering with others with an attentiveness to God's word aids us in fanning His Spirit into flame in us (2 Timothy 1:6).  It just does.     

And the thing is, I am going to need a time like that again.  Soon. 

Without getting close enough to people that you are rubbing shoulders (remember, iron touches iron in order to sharpen), we risk that a brief losing of our way might lead to being permanently lost.  I am coming to see that this is nearer than I would have ever thought.    

One final thought. 

Just this past week I was with some preschoolers at church talking about the truth that "Jesus loves everyone."  We suggested they go home and tell their brothers/sisters/moms/dads that Jesus loved them.  One little boy said, "My brother will tell me he already knows that."  I looked at him and said, "Well, just tell him you didn't want him to forget." 

This wasn't a terribly enlightening thought, but you know how something that comes out of your own mouth becomes something you then can't stop thinking about?  That happened.

The next day, I read this verse, "Therefore, I will always be ready to remind you of these things, even though you already know them (2 Peter 1:12)." 

This whole idea of needing other Christians is something I know.  Probably you too. 
Much of scripture is not brand new to me.   

But if you are like me, I forget the truth I know.  I forget Jesus.  I need reminding.  God's Spirit in me needs constant awakening.  I need others to help me. 

Or I get dull.

 

Ready, Set, Go

As I type and delete the beginning of this blog post several times, I am thinking again thoughts that I have had a few hundred times.  I have thought about starting a blog a lot...but I also feel pretty self-absorbed in doing so, a little nervous about sharing personal thoughts, and question whether it will mean anything to anyone.  

Nevertheless, it has been on my heart.  

Is this feeling in my heart and thought in my head a God urging?

A while back, I spontaneously--or maybe not so spontaneously--heard a sermon on the radio.  The truth of it was common sense and also biblical.  The teacher said, "You will never know if the nudging voice or feeling you have to do something is from God until you take a step of faith."  

Think about it.  Maybe even re-read that quote.  

You really can't.  Until you act and move on the thought or urging, you can't know if it is from God.    Otherwise it remains just a thought or nudge.  Until it becomes an act it isn't a step.  Until you take the step, you can't know whether it is right.  

This is my step.  At least for today.  

Do you have a step you need to take?